You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
