I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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