so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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