Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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