Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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