a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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