i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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