On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
