I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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