Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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