Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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