Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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