Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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