I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
