I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
