What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
