Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
