we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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