omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
