Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
