So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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