Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
