well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
