if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
