is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
