the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
