I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
false alarm, still single
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
