i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
