I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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