All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize