Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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