yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
