wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
