i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
