Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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