I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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