seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
