I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
