The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
me + whiskey = a bad person
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
