Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i've created a new STD.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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