I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
