god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
