My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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