know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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