If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
