I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
