put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
