The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
