On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
