That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
