I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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