His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
