im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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