I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
