Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
