A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
