Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
